What Man
Want
by Kenny Toh, September 2005
This article is inspired by a recent programme
on Channel News Asia titled What Men Want ...
Really. This programme features interviews with various men about
what they really want in the context of the seven sins. When the
producer asked me during the interview, "What does sloth mean to you?", it
took me awhile and some deep reflection to conclude that "Sloth is a means to nourish the soul".
Don't all men and women want to do that?
Sloth is usually associated with laziness,
especially with regard to work. In the context of the 'Seven Deadly
Sins', sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work, punishable in
hell by being thrown into snake pits (according to
www.deadlysins.com). In an industrious society that
constantly strives for success and excellence, workaholism is a norm while
sloth is often perceived as negative and undesirable.
But man needs rest, just as machines need
maintenance. To do nothing, or be slothful allows the mind to rest while
the body rejuvenates itself. Life does not oscillate only between
physical and spiritual work. Viewing sloth as a sin only results in
guilt. One gets constantly haunted by inner conversations
such as "This is wrong", "I should be doing something", and "I'm a lazy good
for nothing person".
Instead, a healthy life involves both rest
and action. One needs to "rest in reason, and move in passion", as
Khalil Gibran aptly said in The Prophet. In the state of complete
restfulness, free from worries and guilt, lies an open space for deep and
meaningful self-reflection. Sloth becomes a means to nourish the soul
when one uses the moment to think, day dream, reflect, conceptualise, and
plan. Perhaps, the avoidance of physical or spiritual work paves the way for some essential mental workout
for pondering over what one really
wants. So what do men really want? Be it men or women, it would be
safe to consider that what people really want is to experience pleasure,
freedom, joy, meanings, fulfillment, and love..
Pleasure is commonly associated with
desirable physical sensations. We derive pleasure from sensory treats
such as eating good food, getting a massage, admiring beautiful images,
listening to soothing music, or enjoying the fragrance of a nice perfume.
Unfortunately, most of these sources of pleasure cost money, and hence
resulting in the endless pursuit of material wealth. There is nothing
wrong or amoral about seeking pleasure, but one needs to be cognisant such
that the pursuit does not lead to more stress or other emotional challenges.
Freedom may be desired in various
forms. There are four basic forms of freedom: freedom of speech,
freedom of action, freedom of emotion, and freedom of thought. Speech
and action are the means for interacting with the external world, while
thought and emotion occur within the inner world. Most
people desire the freedom to do what they like. Unfortunately, many are caught in a dilemma between doing what they like and making
a living so as to feed the family and finance their other material wants.
Hence, many dream of attaining a state of financial independence that promises the freedom
to do anything without being constraint by the need to make money.
However, the quest to exit the rat race through financial independence often
becomes yet another race itself, albeit as a more financially-enlightened rat.
Perhaps, the dilemma may be transcended when one pays close attention to the
freedom that one already possesses in the form of thought and emotion.
Given that thoughts and emotions are
elements of the inner world, one possesses complete freedom to think and feel
in anyway that one chooses. With the exception of psychics and hypnotists, no
one can get into another's head and control another's thoughts. And
one's emotion is determined by one's thoughts. In short, at any moment,
we are free to choose what we want to think, and through how we direct our
thoughts, we choose our own emotions. Collectively, it is about choosing
our attitude. Hundreds of books had been written about
attitude, how one's attitude shapes one's life, and that one is free to
choose one's attitude at all times. The few who believed and tried it out
would probably testify readily on what it felt like to be truly FREE.
One of the timeless recipes for joy or
happiness is "to do what you love and love what you
do". Most people seek happiness from doing what they love,
forgetting that they can also love what they do. Loving what we do boils
down to an exercise of choice, our inherent freedom of thought. Seen
objectively, there is really nothing lovable or unlovable about a task.
Serving coffee is a task. Making cold calls to prospects is a task.
Managing employee conflicts is a task. Writing a song is task.
Washing the dishes is a task. Painting a piece of art is a task.
A task is simply a task, an act with a specific purpose or goal. The
manner in which one feels about doing something, especially
at work, is a function of one's attitude.
There are many prevailing beliefs about happiness. For many, happiness is a 'someday phenomenon', waiting to
manifest in a distant future. Some make happiness their number one goal
in life, yet they lay down an endless list of conditions to be met first in
order to achieve their ultimate goal. Some give up hope, resigned with a
conclusion that happiness is no where to be found. Perhaps, it is time
to consider a more empowering belief: "What if joy is our natural state
of being?"
Just
look at young children who bounce out of bed joyfully, greeting a new day with
excitement, and one cannot help but wonder it is possible that joy is indeed
one's natural state of being. Instead of expecting or demanding joy from the
things we do, why not put joy into it? Be the source of joy, the master of our own happiness.
Meanwhile, learn about what it takes to deal effectively with the causes of unhappiness such
as fear, anger, hatred, regret, worry and anxiety.
Beyond pleasure, freedom and joy, man also
craves for meanings and fulfillment. If pleasure is all that we want and
need, then it is safe to conclude that all men are Hedonistic. But men
want more than just pleasure. We also have a deep desire to
create, to make a difference, to leave a legacy, to make the world a better
place. We have potentials to be uncovered and actualised. We have
dreams to be made real. We have spiritual void to be filled. There is something more to life, and we want it.
Meanings is an elusive topic, for man is
inherently a meaning making machine. What is meaningful to one, may
not be so to another. While the source of meanings in life may differ, the
underlying structure is essentially the same. A deep sense of
meaningfulness stems from an act of service, when one contributes to the
well-being of something greater than oneself. It is the same feeling
that is present in one who discovers the cure for a rare disease, one
who gives to charity, one who saves a tree from being cut down, or one
who gives up his seat to a pregnant woman in a crowded train. It feels
good be of use, to make a difference, to do something that matters beyond the
self. A genuine sense of fulfillment typically ensues when one carries
out a meaningful deed. Ultimately, the soul is nourished as one is
filled fully with joy and meanings. There is nothing altruistic about
that service. Service is not a selfless act, but a means to live a
fulfilling and meaningful life. Service is a natural way to extend
oneself and manifest the deepest core of our being, the mysterious thing
called love.
We want to love and be loved. But a
truly loving relationship seems more like a distant ideal than a possibility
that can be made real through one's own actions. The secret lies in
removing the unnecessary conditions one attaches to love, so as allow love to
flow freely from one to another within a state of unconditional acceptance.
Acceptance is what promises such as "I love you for who you are" is
all about, as opposed to
a more common phenomenon of "I love you for how you meet my expectations of you".
To love someone is within our control, and to be loved is not. At best,
we could influence others to love us through actions that we have control of.
By being the source of love, one already covers half the distance
towards the ideal of a loving relationship.
The pursuit of one's innermost desires is
the force that drives one's actions. At times, it might be
beneficial to slow down, be unhurried, and do nothing physical or
spiritual but some honest self-reflection to recalibrate one's compass in
life, nourish the soul, and explore the possibilities of being the source
of joy and love.
Perhaps, in your next moment of
slothfulness, ask yourself: "What do I really want?".