A few years ago, when I read a
disturbing story in the newspaper about a son taking his father to court
in order to evict him from a house that he had inherited from his dad, I
got an insight that subsequently reshaped my perspective on life. I
realized that the quality of our lives lies not in the quality of our
possessions, but in the quality of the relationships we have. And amongst
these relationships, the ones that matter most are often our relationships
with the members of our family, be it our spouses, parents or children.
What good is it to be a ‘success’ in the eyes of others when we cannot
even enjoy a healthy relationship with our loved ones? What good is it to
be rich or successful when there isn’t anyone to celebrate with?
In the course of my work as a life coach, one of the questions that I
often ask is, “What’s important to you?” Over the years, I have yet to
come across anyone who has not mentioned ‘family’ as one of the top three
values. While it has often been said that family is the basic building
block for any society, on an individual level, it helps to realize that
relationships with family form one of the cornerstones of our lives. The
ultimate question to ask ourselves is, “What am I doing about it?” Do we
really need wait for a Valentine’s Day, a Mother’s Day, a Father’s Day or
a Children’s Day to remind us to celebrate our spouses, parents and
children?
Relationships are built not purely on good intentions, but through
spending time together and communicating with each other. “That’s easier
said than done”, claimed those who complain about the lack of time. One of
the perils of modern living is that most of us lead a busy life that is
easily taken up by work and social commitments. Even a child’s life is
often packed with school, tuitions, enrichment classes and
extra-curriculum activities. Finding time for the family becomes a
challenge, and some try to make up for the lack of quantity with quality.
However, the need to make the most out of the limited time we make
available for our family often lead to more frustrations when our
expectations are not met.
This reminds me of an incident that a frustrated father once shared with
me. As a busy CEO of a medium-sized enterprise, he tries to take his
family on an overseas holiday at least once a year. What frustrated him
was that after traveling hundreds of miles to a beautiful resort, all that
his five-year-old daughter wanted to do was to stay in the hotel room and
watch cartoons. “I can’t believe it. There is so much to do and to see
here, and yet we’re doing what we could have done at home!” I asked him,
“What do you want?” He replied, “To spend time with my daughter.” And when
I asked him, “What does you she want to do?” his eyes lit up for a moment,
and almost began to tear as he realized an important point that he had
missed. He discovered that his frustrations would have dissipated had he
simply aligned what he truly wanted (to spend time with his daughter) with
what his daughter had wanted to do (to watch cartoons). It was as simple
as that, and sight-seeing was optional.
Apart from the lack of time, another major obstacle to enjoying great
relationships with our loved ones is past conflicts. Interpersonal
conflict is part and parcel of any relationship, for even the most loving
couples would experience some of that. The difference is whether we let
our conflicts create a wall that makes intimate relationships impossible
or that we work through them with openness and honesty, and strengthening
our understanding of one another through the process.
I have learnt something valuable at a recent parenting conference from
fellow speaker Dr. Gary Solomon, a.k.a. The Movie Doctor, a pioneer in the
use of movies as a tool for therapy. He said, “It’s not possible to
have a healthy family unless the individual is healthy.”
As I listened, it dawned on me
that an unresolved conflict is like a splinter in the finger, small yet
powerful enough to prevent us from enjoying a fully healthy relationship.
To make our relationships with our loved ones really work, we got to take
proactive steps to remove the splinters. It may mean discussing an issue
that is bugging us openly, forgiving others for the hurt they had caused
us in the past, or apologizing for what we had done to them. New
beginnings are not possible until we let go of the past, and the ‘letting
go’ requires decisions and actions.
Ultimately, the quality of our relationships depends on the actions we
take, stemming from our beliefs about what a relationship is all about.
Our beliefs shape our expectations, which subsequently frame what we see
and experience. Our experiences in turn shape our response and the actions
that we take. Do you look to relationship as a source of love or an
opportunity to express love? Is it a game of give and take, or give no
matter if you get anything in return at all? Does a relationship need to
be reciprocal? Is it something that is importantly enough to make time
for, or something that you attend to when you happen to have time?
In closing, here are my final questions for you:
• Is your family important to you?
• What are you doing about it today?
Best fishes,
Kenny, the Fisher