When we judge, we cease to
understand.
Kenny Toh,
May 2006
I often begin my workshops by reminding the participants to not only turn off
their phones or switch them to silent mode, but also to silent the inner judge
and critic in their mind. Passing judgment is something that we all do
spontaneously. We constantly evaluate the people, things or situations that we
encounter each day. Is it true? Is this right? Is it good for me? Is it safe? Is
it worth my money? Is it worth my time? And you are probably asking yourself
right now, “Is this article worth reading?”
Judging is neither good nor bad, but simply an integral part of being human.
Sound judgment leads to good decisions. However, there is a time to judge and a
time to stop judging. Anthony de Mello (a Jesuit priest) once said, “When we
judge, we cease to understand.” That explains for the misunderstandings that
contribute to most interpersonal conflicts. When we judge a person, we are
essentially comparing him against a set of criteria in our mind. If he passes
than he is good. Otherwise, he is bad. But when we are preoccupied with our
inner world, evaluating the image we hold of person based on our internal set of
rules, we miss out on the opportunity to see him for what he is and to
understand him better.
To make matter worse, the ‘inner critic’ goes beyond judging and has its focus
on negative aspects of the subject being judged. As we label someone with
descriptions such as arrogant, chauvinistic, pessimistic, unrealistic, egoistic,
incompetent, or uncaring, we reduce him into a single attribute that clouds over
all the other beautiful parts that are also present in the same person. Unless
this judgment is revised or updated, it inevitably becomes ingrained into the
mind as a bias or prejudice. Like an ex-convict, no matter much he has changed
for the better, his greatest challenge is to overcome people’s prejudices on
criminals.
How do we silent the inner judge or critic?
There is no need to tell yourself: “Thou shall not judge.” The easy way to
silent the inner judge is through awareness. Observe your internal voices, the
chatter that tells you about how good or how bad a person or thing or situation
is. What you are unaware of controls you, but what you are aware of you can
change. Allow the judgment to take place, and at same time, be aware that you
are judging. Focus your attention on understanding. Ask yourself, “What do I
wish to find out about this person or thing or event?” As you ask more questions
and listen with curiosity, your inner judge will naturally be silenced. There is
no need for a clever explanation on how that happens, but it just works.
Remember, when you judge, you cease to understand. When people don’t feel
understood, they think you don’t care, even though you sincerely do care about
them. And people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.
So, put your inner judge on silent mode once in awhile, and experience your
personal truth about how your life is transformed through having a better
understanding of the people around you.
NOTE:
“When we judge, we cease to understand.” is one of 101 KEYS to joyful living
covered in JOY101™, a 2-day seminar on self-discovery and personal mastery led
by Kenny Toh, Chief Coach at The Coaching Academy. To find out more, experience
a FREE SESSION of “A Prelude to Joy” or log on to
www.coachingacademy.com.sg