IT'S NOT ABOUT
FISH!
by Kenny Toh, August 2005
After operating Gone Fishing for almost
three years, I never get tired of being asked “Why Gone Fishing?”
or “How come no fish on the menu?”. The usual answer to the first question
is “It’s a long story”. If they have time and are interested, they will
get a full account of how it all began, from mid-life crisis to a field of
dreams. The answer to the second varies according to the mood of the day,
from “Haven’t caught any?” to “There is place nearby called Sam’s Cottage
that serves great fish and chips”.
The truth is … it was never about the fish, just as Lance
Armstrong’s autobiography titled “It’s Not About The Bike”. Armstrong is a
truly remarkable guy. What interests me most about him is not how he
triumphed against cancer and came back to win the Tour de France, but what
he said when he announced his retirement from competitive racing after his
seventh victory in the most gruesome race on earth. When asked about what
he is going to do with his life now, he said, “to be the Dad I never
had”. His words struck a chord in me and still resonate incessantly.
It was the same aspiration that had led me to take the road less traveled
three years ago.
As an advocate of
Parents-as-Coaches, I have been actively rallying
fellow parents to take an active role in bringing out the greatness in
their children. Some were slightly intimidated by the idea of “Raising
Tomorrow’s Heroes”, a slogan I had painstakingly chosen to represent the
mission of this contemporary approach to parenting. Raising a hero sounds
like a tall order, but that’s precisely the mindset change that today’s
parents ought to consider. Today’s children are undeniably more highly
evolved and capable than we think they are. We continue to be baffled by
ordinary children who read at the age of three, cycle a two-wheeler at
three-and-half, play great classical pieces on the violin at the age of
five, an win an average adult at a game of Scrabble or Chess at the age of
four. These are not super kids who were put through special programmes,
but ordinary children with parents who care enough to make a difference.
These parents make a difference by being involved in their children’s
lives, by spending time playing with them, uncovering their interests and
gifts, and encouraging them to do what they like. It might not be possible
to predict how these children will turn out in the future, but they
certainly appear happy and confident in the present, having fun while
manifesting their unique gifts with great competence. By being involved,
parents have a great influence on their children’s development though
their actions and behaviors. What they do with their children and how they
relate to them affect the early childhood experiences that shape their
personalities.
As a father and a son, I know the effect of a father’s behaviors on his
children. Although my dad never spent much time with me throughout my
childhood days, I seemed to have modeled after him in many ways through
observation. Up until a certain age, Dad has always been a hero. Hence, I
know that my influence on my children during their early years is
inevitable. Better let that be a positive one, than negative.
In the course my work as a life coach, I have witnessed many adults
suffering from the emotional and psychological damages from poor
parenting, with fathers being the common source of life’s issues. Somehow,
mothers seemed to be more loving and encouraging, while fathers are
authoritarian and disapproving. Frequent criticism and disapproval from
dad can easily shatter a child’s self-esteem. “No matter what I do, I will
never be good enough for him” seems to be a common belief installed deeply
in the child’s psyche, such that it continues to shape his adult life. A
chat with some teenagers revealed that such phenomenon is still prevalent
in their experience.
The good news is that fathers of younger children are recognizing the
crucial need for a shift in parenting style. But we need to be careful not
to swing from one extreme to another, from being a strict disciplinarian
to an over-permissive and laissez faire friend. One father expressed his
frustration to me recently, saying that he realizes punishing a child for
misbehavior is not the best thing to do (based on his personal experience
in becoming more resentful and angry when punished by his parents), but
admits that he is clueless on what might be a better alternative. My
response was, “Welcome to the journey personal growth”.
Parenting is not just about the child. It is a journey of development and
growth for both the parent and the child. We need to grow personally
together with our children, to learn new ways of raising children and
acquire new skills for communicating with them effectively. Children do
not come with instruction manuals, but there is abundance of resources to
help us figure them out. Whether you are a parent or not, make a
commitment to pursue personal development and growth TODAY!
Fishing is not about the fish, but the joy being out there, communing
with nature, getting to know oneself better, connecting with fellow
fishers, and partaking in the process of growth called LIFE.