The Heart of
Parenting
by Kenny Toh, June 2005
Being a parent is more than giving birth to
a child and providing for their needs. Parenting is definitely more than
chauffeuring our children from one enrichment class to another. Children are
different today, and so are parents. Many young parents today are willing to
quit a high paying job to look after their children. And this applies not only
to mothers, but fathers too. In a recent special feature in the Strait Times
on a new breed of fathers, it was reported that fathers in Singapore today are
definitely taking an active role in raising their children. Fathers changing
diapers and talking about breastfeeding is now a norm. And house-husbands who
relinquish their traditional roles as breadwinner to stay home and look after
their young children are no longer rare breeds.
Parenting is not an obligation. An obligation is something that we feel that
we have to do, and probably do not want to do if we had a choice. Consider
parenting as a privilege instead; a life-long opportunity for learning and
growth. Children are great teachers, and parenting is a great way to grow as a
person.
Parenting is not about coping with a financial burden to raise children.
Children do not naturally ask for expensive toys or education. All they really
want is to have fun and be happy. Beware of the unnecessary financial burdens
that we are taking on ourselves, in the pretense of fulfilling our
responsibilities as parents. To the child, a free performance by Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles or Power Ranger Ninja Storm at the shopping mall is just
as good as a $50 Hi-5 concert.
Parenting is not a responsibility. A responsibility is something that is
assigned to us externally for a particular role we play. Parenting is a result
from our conscious act of creation; it is an expression of our ability to
create rather than a responsibility. Consider parenting as a creative process,
rather than a responsive one, and make a commitment to nurture our creation to
its full self-expression.
Parenting begins by being a part of the miracle of creating a new life. It is
a miracle in which we are the co-creator rather than just passive recipients
of a gift. As parents, we contribute to the genetic makeup of our children;
much like jointly planting a seed that determines the nature of the child. The
rest of the process is about nurturing that seed till its nature manifests
fully by providing the necessary nutrients for growth. These nutrients may
come in the form of exposure, opportunities, challenges, guidance, and support
that the child needs as her or she grows physically, emotionally, mentally,
and spiritually.
Parents wear many hats. We provide for our children’s needs. We guide them
when they are lost. We teach them new skills. We are their sources of comfort
and support and life gets tough. We are their disciplinarian. And we are role
models for them to look up to. Amongst the many roles we play in our
children’s lives, the one that is most relevant in the context of bringing out
their greatness is that of a coach, mentor, guide or Sherpa.
In Spiritual Parenting, authors Hugh and Gayle Prather advocate that:
As parents, we
should consider ourselves more like a Sherpa than a trainer or commanding
officer. As one who has greater experience, but not greater value, our
function is to climb the mountain beside our child, providing direction
whenever we can, but above all, offering our constant support. Then as we near
the peak, as the child becomes an adolescent and than an adult, we stay back
and let him or her pursue the dream, asking not even for credit for how much
we helped them along the way.
As a coach, we not only guide, but also teach and discipline our children. In
guiding, we focus on nurturing the inner hero within, and helping our children
develop the required competencies to attain the results they want in life. In
teaching, we seek to impart knowledge. In disciplining, we seek cultivate a
strong moral compass within them that will guide their behaviours. Coaching
does not obliterate teaching and disciplining, but rather, enables us to teach
or discipline our children with a different mindset.
The essence of coaching is really about bringing out the greatness in a
person. Coaching used to be a field that applies only in sports, where top
athletes and players are coached to attain peak performances. But the
fundamental principles in coaching can be applied universally, either in
business, personal development, or even parenting. Coaching a child is not a
rocket-science, but a practical discipline that can be acquired through
commitment and practice.
In general, coaching involves a relationship in which a coach helps the person
being coached gain competency in a certain aspect of life. It could be seen as
a process of awakening the giant within, nurturing the inner hero, or
unleashing the inherent genius. The essence of coaching is about bringing out
the greatness in a person.
What exactly is this greatness, giant, inner hero or inherent genius commonly
referred to in coaching literature? It is about the seed of potential within a
person. We need to recognize the potential for greatness or heroism within our
children. In her book titled Raising Everyday Heroes, Dr. Eliza Medhus
described these heroic qualities as:
A willingness to take risks and
make sacrifices for a greater good; to endure criticism, skepticism and
ridicule; to persevere along path riddled with failures and setbacks; to do
what they thought was right and honorable, elevating humankind along the way.
Children are born into this world with unlimited possibilities, fearlessness,
and a great sense of curiosity and enthusiasm for life. Unfortunately, most
children gradually lose these heroic qualities in the process of growing up.
When children begin attending schools, they get introduced to more fears and
impossibilities. They are exposed to all kinds of lies and false beliefs that
adults and peers make up for their own interest. “Don’t talk to strangers
because they may harm you”, “Dress and behave like us or you don’t belong”,
“You can’t do this. You are not cut out for it”. By teenage, what started as a
miracle, a baby with unlimited possibilities, becomes just another brick in
the wall, lost in a struggle for a sense of identity and self-worth, a product
of an educational system designed to prepare them to enter the workforce
rather than for life.
What can we do about that? We cannot possibly protect our children from
external influences forever. The best thing we could do is to cultivate their
innate abilities such that they grow up strong, responsible, confident, and
able to think independently. We need to nurture their potential for greatness
and encourage full self-expression. And it is from this perspective to
parenting that coaching becomes particularly relevant.
Bringing out the greatness in our children requires a coherent integration of
the heart of parenting with the practical discipline of personal coaching.
Parents-as-Coaches™ is the outcome of one such fusion. It is an approach
to parenting founded on the premise that the primary role of parents is to
bring out the unique greatness in their children. Powered by love and centred
on the well-being of the child, it seeks to equip parents with frameworks and
insights for guiding their children to uncover, develop and manifest their
potentials.
Parenting involves establishing a deep sense of connection with our children,
as opposed to the practice of emotional detachment advocated in most
professional coaching or counseling relationships. The challenge in coaching
our children is that whilst we care deeply for our children and are inevitably
affected by their emotions, we need to cultivate the discipline of not
reacting emotionally so that we could respond to their needs with thoughtful
actions. The latter comes naturally with personal mastery, a life-long pursuit
that all personal coaches are committed to in order to guide others through
their lives effectively.
Adopting
Parents-as-Coaches™ as an approach to parenting is a matter of making a
decision. In short, what it takes to bring out the greatness in your children
are as follows:
• A decision to play an active role in our children’s lives through being
their personal coaches
• A commitment to master the art of parenting and coaching; and
• Actions to put the frameworks, principles and insights in
Parents-as-Coaches™ into practice
Mastery is attainable through dedicated learning and disciplined practice. By
taking real actions and applying the principles of
Parents-as-Coaches™ in the interactions with your children, you will
gradually gain mastery in skills that can bring about a lifetime of fulfilling
relationship with them. Begin today, and enjoy the privilege of life-long
learning and growth through a new approach to parenting that will make a
significant difference in your children’s lives!
NOTE: For more articles
on parenting, visit
www.parentsascoaches.net/articles